im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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