If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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