We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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