I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
