How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
