I just threw up on my dentist
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
