I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
