Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
