my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
