Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
