Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
