I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
