I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
