for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
