I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
