Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
