dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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