Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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