how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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