Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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