I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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