as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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