Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
