she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
A+ Viking dick
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
