i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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