My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
