he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
