I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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