i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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