I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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