too bad you live with your parents still
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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