i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
