You made me cry and you don't even care
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
