I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
