I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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