How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
