he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
