i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
we should paint friendship bongs
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