If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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