A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
