He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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