I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
