He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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