I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize