this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
