laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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