Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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