My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
