remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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