Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
