Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
