I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
