Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
