I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize