if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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