Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
