I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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