May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
