Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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