Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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