Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
