So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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