I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
