I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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