My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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