Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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