I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
