For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
