When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
