insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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