Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
